Keep me in your thoughts please.

[margaret]

Blech!, help, I have to try very hard on Thursday to keep my chin up and keep things cordial, happy families and all that.
The reason is, I am meeting my daughter tomorrow she is visiting from Kent, with her dad on tow , my ex, I divorced him 25 years ago and never spoken to him since, so he will be like a total stranger to me. But for my dear daughters sake I will keep it upbeat and happy. Try to rise above any derision and crap that happened in the long distant past. I will just have to be a very good actress.

[rebbonk]

I fully understand Margaret, my situation is not too dissimilar. I haven't spoken to my ex-wife for about 30 years. Unfortunately, she has turned into an alcoholic and is currently causing our children a lot of grief/anguish.

You'll be OK, you're a strong lady.

[margaret]

I fully understand Margaret, my situation is not too dissimilar. I haven't spoken to my ex-wife for about 30 years. Unfortunately, she has turned into an alcoholic and is currently causing our children a lot of grief/anguish.

You'll be OK, you're a strong lady.

Thanks Rebbonk, I don't particularly want to speak to him, but I will make the effort. Its funny how my son used to say my ex and I were like chalk and cheese, and it did become like that. He did marry again, but that all ended in a nasty divorce also. So I do wonder if he has changed the errors his ways. He now has a lady friend but I don't think he will be marrying again. Divorce is messy and expensive.

[rebbonk]

Divorce is messy and expensive.

Tell me about it! Cost me over £3k in legal fees 30 years ago, plus I lost my house and got saddled with her debts.

My ex has had a string of 'gentlemen' over the years, but none stay the course. This is despite her telling everyone that I broke the marriage up by having affairs. - I wasn't and have been with my present partner ever since my divorce.

The last but one time I spoke to my ex, we'd just had the decree absolute, and realising she'd dropped a clanger she suggested that we should 'try again' for the kid's sake! My second word was 'off!'

[margaret]

Tell me about it! Cost me over £3k in legal fees 30 years ago, plus I lost my house and got saddled with her debts.

My ex has had a string of 'gentlemen' over the years, but none stay the course. This is despite her telling everyone that I broke the marriage up by having affairs. - I wasn't and have been with my present partner ever since my divorce.

The last but one time I spoke to my ex, we'd just had the decree absolute, and realising she'd dropped a clanger she suggested that we should 'try again' for the kid's sake! My second word was 'off!'

Yes, a bit like me Rebbonk, I had to make a quick exit. Though we tried to reconcile but it didn't work, so I made the best decision I ever made and got out, the feeling of oppression gone, freedom felt so great. I married a solicitor and he helped me with the divorce , letters, etc.. didn't cost me a bean.

I realise it is a risk just upticks and leaving , but it all worked out in the end for me.
It takes two to make a marriage work, but I didn't have anymore feelings. So I guess I changed.

[Lex]

Hope it isn't too much of a stressful experience for you, Margaret.

[rebbonk]

It takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to completely wreck many lives.

It took me a few years to get back on my feet, but this time there were two of us pulling together in the same direction. The kids suffered quite badly at the time, not only did she try to stop me having contact with them, she tried poisoning their young minds against me.

After she stopped me seeing the children (because she didn't approve of me living with someone I wasn't married to, and didn't know where I lived) I refused to play her games. (Read the games people play by Berne). Eighteen months later she tells social services I'm not fulfilling my duties as a father! A few choice words and explanations to social services and they saw things very differently and actually helped me re-establish contact with the children.

But only this last Saturday my son was talking to me asking for advice as to what could be done with his mother. I offered a few ideas and sent him some information, but she won't change.

[margaret]

Hope it isn't too much of a stressful experience for you, Margaret.

Thanks Lex, I'll just have to bite my tongue , as they say, watch my p's and Q's, I want my daughter to have a nice time. They are coming up from Canterbury area, Kent and it will be funny to hear that Kent twang again, kind of south east accent.

I remember at the time I was living in Canterbury, a van driver asked if I knew where Seff street is, and I thought to myself , Seff street,? no I don't know where that is......so I had to apologise to the driver and said I didn't know.

It wasn't until later that my kids said he must have meant South Street. I didn't half feel like a pillock! But they do really accentuate their vowels.

[margaret]

It takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to completely wreck many lives.

It took me a few years to get back on my feet, but this time there were two of us pulling together in the same direction. The kids suffered quite badly at the time, not only did she try to stop me having contact with them, she tried poisoning their young minds against me.

After she stopped me seeing the children (because she didn't approve of me living with someone I wasn't married to, and didn't know where I lived) I refused to play her games. (Read the games people play by Berne). Eighteen months later she tells social services I'm not fulfilling my duties as a father! A few choice words and explanations to social services and they saw things very differently and actually helped me re-establish contact with the children.

But only this last Saturday my son was talking to me asking for advice as to what could be done with his mother. I offered a few ideas and sent him some information, but she won't change.

Sound like you had a pretty rough time of it Rebbonk, I'm glad you came through it.
You are right to keep well away, there is not much can be done. It must be difficult for your children to deal with.

[rebbonk]

It was tough, and as a male I found the system loaded against me. The first words my solicitor said to me were, "You do realise you're going to get stuffed, don't you?" I gave as good as I got, but it was incredibly wearing. My face erupted due to the stress, and I still bear a couple of scars today.

But, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

[rebbonk]

I hope all went well, Margaret?

[margaret]

Well , yes Rebbonk, it went better than I thought, the ex was making an effort to be friendly, and it was good to see my daughter again, we all chatted general things. We went to the Tuckery in Warwick to eat where they make I think mostly homemade food, like meat pies, curries, chilli con carne etc. at a reasonable price. I usually go for the chicken and leek Pie. the ex, cleaned his plate and thought it was delicious. Afterwards we walked them round Warwick, then back to My sons flat, and I had to suffer looking at the ex's photos of the places he has been visiting, and trams, trams, trams, he builds model trams, Yawn!
I was very polite and took interest in his Milan and Switzerland photos, with more trams. He only goes to places where there are trams. Never mind the beautiful building and culture of those cities.
But I will try not to be too critical , he did make a good effort. And it was a pleasant time all round considering we haven't seen or spoken a word for 25 years. I survived it.

.

[rebbonk]

Glad it went reasonably well, it can't have been easy and must have been a very surreal experience for you.

I know a guy with a tram hobby, he drives me mad with it: he's far worse than another friend with a bus hobby! I seem to have a few anorack friends!

[margaret]

Glad it went reasonably well, it can't have been easy and must have been a very surreal experience for you.

I know a guy with a tram hobby, he drives me mad with it: he's far worse than another friend with a bus hobby! I seem to have a few anorack friends!

Yes, you are right, it did seem all a bit surreal, the ex seemed like a stranger and his voice seemed to have changed, I don't mean exactly castrato but just a pitch higher/thinner , different to how I remembered it.

I have a sneaky suspicion that his last wife probably got fed up with his trams and it led to grounds for divorce. I bet you anything that was the case.

I too find trams boring, I like steam trains, but not like as you say anorak level.

.