Humor section

[Will]

I don't know why I didn't have one of these sooner, every good forum should have room for a little humor, so here it is!

Here's a joke I got off another forum.

"Four golfers are putting out on the eighteenth green.

The last man goes to put and is interrupted by a funeral procession passing by on a nearby road. The man stops his put and puts his putter down, takes off his cap and puts it to his heart and bows his head. On seeing this one of the other golfers comments ....after the funeral passes....that he is touched by the other golfers respect for the funeral.

The other golfer replies "well we were married for 35 years"

[Shizara]

An elderly couple are in church. The wife turns to her husband and whispers "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?" He looked at her and replied "Get new batteries for your hearing aid."

[cathidaw]

A man went to the vet with his dog because it 's eyes were crossing.
The vet picked it up and had a good look. "I'll have to put it down "he said.
The shocked old chap said " Oh no -you don't mean you are going to put it down just because it's got cross-eyes"
The vet replied "No but it's getting a bit heavy "



how corny can I get!

[Shizara]

This email had me in stitches and reminded me of a similar tale regarding the collection of television licensing fees that I have seen on the internet - will look up the urls for you. - Have removed the bank name but it won't detract from the tale.

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and The Bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to The Bank:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

The Bank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

The Bank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

The Bank: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

The Bank: 'Excuse me?'

The Bank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

The Bank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

The Bank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

The Bank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

The Bank: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

The Bank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

The Bank: 'That might help.'

Family Member: ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery,
1249 Centenary Rd,
Sydney
Plot
Number 1049.'

The Bank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[Shizara]

I wonder if the nesting birds and the cattle have hamsters working for them to run around a giant hamster wheel attached to a generator to provide power to run a television set up in the rubble. If so, I hope their Terms and Conditions of work are in line with the European Working Time Directive... - for hamsters....

BBC NEWS | England | Ruined castle 'sent TV licence demand'

[ronlyre]

Surely some mistake? Call me old fashioned but don't you mean HUMOUR section?

[Shizara]

I am quite sure that is what Will meant. Have tweaked it so it now reads "Humour Section".

[cathidaw]

Ihave been away for a week-'grandchildren sitting' . Itook them out for a meal
in Banbury one day. They had what kids usually like and for me I asked for something without meat--well -4 legged animal meat. "Poultry or fish will do "I said. "I'll see what we've got" said the very pleasant girl, "No meat, right " . And off she went.The kids meal came and then mine.I looked at it and said, "Sorry but I dont eat meat as I told you"
"But's not meat -it's sausage with bacon wrapped around it" she was quite upset as this was what she had ordered for me aiming to please.
I xplained that it was all 'pig' and she went out to ask the chef.
Iended up with egg and chips. (mmmmm could eat those right now)
Now ,Banbury is not exactly out in the sticks so where on earth have these young people been all of their lives Even the youngest childaged 6 knew what sausage contained
.
This was my humour story but also a bit sad.

[Mari]

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[akingston00]

( joke)

a man wallked into a bar OUCH

[rebbonk]

Some bloke knocked on my door today.

"I'm here to talk to you about your electricity bills," he smiled, "Have you got a minute?"

"Yes." I replied.

"Great," he said, "Who are you with at the moment?"

I said, "Just my mate, Dave."

[Lex]

What do you call 2 burglars?

A pair of (k)nickers.

[Margaret]

I feel quite sea sick watching this!